Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

I needed this laugh 😂😂😂

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.