For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
You Might Also Like
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.