Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Arrest that man!