Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing