Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

We don’t deserve birds.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Cheer up.

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.