Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.