Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Tier 3 meme

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.