Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

#Caturday

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Twitter is an abusement park.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.