Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.