Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”