For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Go girl power!
hmmm
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”