For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

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[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?


Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.


Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him


First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”


Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.


Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.


Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.


Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob


Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show