@MomOfTeen

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

You Might Also Like

@girlnarly

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

@AngstromHoot

Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him

@BarkyBoogz

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

@blade_funner

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

@junejuly12

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

@divatulips

Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can’t.

@therealeatwood

Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob

@squirrel74wkgn

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show