@MomOfTeen: For such a picky eater, I'm certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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@trevso_electric: If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
@ericsshadow: If the salesman doesn't come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
@NicestHippo: Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with "If you buy this, women will have sex with you"
@ShitIHearOnDuty: Man called 911 to ask why there was a cop sitting outside his place of employment (fast food place) for so long. He told my dispatcher he was nervous he was going to get arrested because of his felony warrants. And that's how you go from eating lunch to arresting someone.