For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
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If you know, you know 😂🚔
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Planet of the Apps.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.