for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
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An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.