for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
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my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
My biological clock is wheezing.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Same pineapple, same
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
ugh not again
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer