For the baby who has everything
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I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.