For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
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I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials