For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
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“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa