For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
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I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
this is what they would have looked like, though
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?