For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
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Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”