Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Drive like no one is watching.

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”