Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

Can confirm.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.