For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
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when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.