For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
You Might Also Like
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.