For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
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If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Man these end times are taking forever
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King