Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*