Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
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When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
TEETH IS INNOCENT
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
But I really needed water water water
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney