For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
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*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
*puts my mental health in rice
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.