For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
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People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
A wise man once said nothing.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.