For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
You Might Also Like
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
going to the ER y’all need anything
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable