Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

🏠

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Real 😅

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.