Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now