FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
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the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge