FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
#milo
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?