For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
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Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
“That’s what” – She
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
We need to put an American base on the sun
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen