Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”