Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

can I use a minion as a tampon

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

Tuesday

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.