For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
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Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Only a mother’s love …
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Happens to everyone.
