For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Fat chances are my favorite chances
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).