Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted