Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

j o i m p

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

Name this drama.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.