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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.