For the ones in the back.
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
his wife is probably gonna see that
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick