Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

dictator is short for richard potato

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.