For the ones in the back.
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Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.