For the orator and chef in all of us
You Might Also Like
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???