For the orator and chef in all of us
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Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
this is literally a CIA plant
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*