For the orator and chef in all of us
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I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.