toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
God: you’re a unicorn.
Unicorn: lmao corn?
God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.
Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!
Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.
God: [whispers] cancelled.
You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”