@Amber_duds

For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.

You Might Also Like

@dumbbeezie

If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone

@HuajatollaChic

At least dogs look at you when you’re talking with them as if to say, hell yeah I’d talk to you, but I’m a dog.

@JustDontBugMe

MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!

M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.

@dubstep4dads

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

@danjan13

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

@sonictyrant

Therapist: your wife has trouble understanding the way you express yourself

Me: well that’s Sheila, always the pancake on the ceiling

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

@CraigChamberlin

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

@fishbowel

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it