It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
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To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
This pepper has seen some shit
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.