For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.

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If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone


At least dogs look at you when you’re talking with them as if to say, hell yeah I’d talk to you, but I’m a dog.


MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!

M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.


[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom


No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.


Therapist: your wife has trouble understanding the way you express yourself

Me: well that’s Sheila, always the pancake on the ceiling


HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?


Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.


Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it