If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone
For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.
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At least dogs look at you when you’re talking with them as if to say, hell yeah I’d talk to you, but I’m a dog.
MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!
M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Therapist: your wife has trouble understanding the way you express yourself
Me: well that’s Sheila, always the pancake on the ceiling
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[First day as a surgeon]
[Last day as surgeon]