Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Finally

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.