For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
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I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up