@9woodMac

For the people who made fun of me in elementary school for being too tall for a girl, I managed to get the last pack of #toiletpaper on the top back shelf while everyone else didn’t even notice it. So screw all of you! Being tall is awesome! #littlevictories

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@Burnam1

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

@sam_kriss

in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc

@Dani_Feld

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

@Sassafrantz

[date]
Me: Are you a serial killer? You have to tell me if you are.
Him: That’s a cop.
Me: Changing the subject, just like a serial killer

@OhYeahILied

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

@allyneedy

My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

@joeljeffrey

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

@KevinFarzad

PLEASE LEAVE CHRIS BROWN ALONE, in the woods, surrounded by a pack of wolves.

@NathanFillion

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

@JJSummertime

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.