I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
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me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup