Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

Cheers Twitter.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.