For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?