For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
any last words?
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.