For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

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God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )



God: that pun was beary bad.


Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*


DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this


God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.


Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.



“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”


ME: *vaping*

FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?

ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope


*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”


Irish step dancing was discovered by women waiting in line to use the restroom.