God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God: that pun was beary bad.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Ha ha! OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!
“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”
FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?
ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*
Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Irish step dancing was discovered by women waiting in line to use the restroom.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.