@HallpassCanada

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

@ThugRaccoons

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

@Home_Halfway

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

@NewDadNotes

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

@TrentoMento

Ha ha! OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!

“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”

@trojansauce

ME: *vaping*

FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?

ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope

@preritpathak

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

@cheeky__gal

Irish step dancing was discovered by women waiting in line to use the restroom.