For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Dolls on drugs
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.