For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
😂💯
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”