For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
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I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Finished stitching this today 😇
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.