For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
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My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
And then there were 4
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!