For the record, standing outside my field of vision at the reference desk and silently waving a paper at me with increasing intensity isn’t so much “requesting my assistance” as it is “inventing a new party game.”
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me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJ Maxx
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Ha
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.