For the record, standing outside my field of vision at the reference desk and silently waving a paper at me with increasing intensity isn’t so much “requesting my assistance” as it is “inventing a new party game.”
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Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.