For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
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My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”