For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
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Nice try, poison.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”