For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
You Might Also Like
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?