For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
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[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Never forget.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids