Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!

Phone camera: lol is it?

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due