For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Not😆🤣
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.