For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Fights fire with marshmallows
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son