For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
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WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself